Wednesday, May 2, 2012

It's the Final Countdown

So....I have a certain bad 80's song stuck in my head. It makes me think of the Mister when we were in high school. He, inexplicably, picked this song for an interlude on a show we were working on. Now 12 years later,  I can't hear the words "final countdown" without the riff playing through my head.

Tomorrow begins the 38th week of my pregnancy. The little SoulFulls were all born this week. 38 and 2 days, 38 even, and 38 and one 1 day, in order.

So it might just be because of that, but I feel the "birth aura" lingering about. Like I have just days to go- I'm walking through the last moments of life before an epic in the days leading up to our wedding...where I thought nothing would change, and yet knew everything would change, all at the same time.

I am trying to wrap my head around mothering four children. The practical aspects of it. The feeling of a newborn wrapped close to my chest, yet again, while I handle the daily chores, joys, and woes of mothering the three little darlings I have.

I think of each of them, and how they were so close and yet so intangible as every pregnancy neared its end...and yet within days of birth, I would marvel how it already felt like he/she had been part of our family forever. Like I already couldn't remember what life was like before this little person was a constant part.

With all the Lord has worked with me on, this little soul, our Captain Seahorse, has been something I couldn't imagine going without. I have a post in my drafts, something I wrote a year and half or more ago, about this imaginary little person. A person I was struggling over, because I didn't want bitterness, or to manipulate my husband into something...I just wanted to be content with what God had given me...and to stop feeling so attached to this person that didn't exist.

And God made me content.

And then he blessed us.

And here we are. Whether I am right or not, the time until there are 6 SoulFulls is very limited. I have that fourth carseat in the car now....trying to help me wrap my mind around my upcoming reality.

I am nervous. I am excited. I have this electric-like current of gratitude flowing through my body that my Lord saw fit to allow me, who fails so often, to mother another little soul.

This week I gave myself a self-proclaimed pajamas week ( I cancelled all appointments and never left the was much needed)... I am rather cat-like in my pregnancies; towards the end I look for a dim, solitary place, where I don't have to see anyone or talk to anyone, but can just focus on the task at hand.

But then while the fellows were arriving to help Mister with some farm work ( they built a beautiful new gate to the farm yard), one of my dear friends showed up to whisk me away. She even brought my mother along, who was here unexpectedly.

They truly surprised me. It was small and intimate, and it was my very first baby shower. My dear friend decorated everything with little seahorse pictures, and another friend made a seahorse cake. It was darling. I felt so loved, hat they cared so much that I had a baby shower, and that they cared so much to go to such lengths to surprise me.

I am so grateful for my family and for the friends God has put in my life. I had so many lonely, lonely years. My best friend in the world was often deployed to a far away country, or otherwise inaccessible because of the military....and I just wasn't good at making friends. Especially once e moved back to the states.

During my last pregnancy ( this is so pathetic) my poor midwife WAS my only friend. At the end, I gave her a felt like she deserved a bonus for being not only my caregiver but my only confidant. Try to get that in the mainstream health system :D

In the last year and a half, God has provided so much. A church family I was hungering for. Ladies fellowship I was hungering for....and it all culminates with this precious little one that I was trying so hard not to hunger for.

Looking so forward to posting a birth announcement here in the very near future ;)

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