Thursday, April 21, 2011

Unrequited Love

 It only takes me a second, and he's here. He even has a name. As hard as I try, and if I am honest, maybe I do not try hard enough, one simple thing can take me to that place, and he's here, as real as anything.      Reading pregnancy announcements on facebook, watching my children play, or even making love to my husband ( and especially that, sometimes), and he's here; imagined with enough detail that it's like I already know him, and I'm just waiting to be re-introduced.It's not his physical details, or even his personality, but the details of what our family feels like when he's in it, or what life feels like when he's in it; tangibly, instead of in my imagination.
 I struggle against it. Over accepting God's will for my family. At times, I recognize that this fixation on another son is so clearly of my personal machination. Other times, it feels like it is clearly the presence of God, placing something in my mind; the promise to fulfill a desire of my heart should I give it all to him. I've even named him John, in my heart. John. The son of Thunder. The Beloved. The baby born to Elizabeth who should have been named Zaccariah, but who, because God blessed his parents with something they longed for always, was named John; because he called them to. I know that to imagine a certain little son is just as wrong as trying to close up my own womb against God's desire for my family. But when I also desire it to much, against the desires and leading of my own husband, leaving my body open to it would be more about my wanting than God's leading.
 When I feel the intense jealousy, particularly of watching unbelievers have more babies, I know that it is me, and not God. But oh, how that jealousy can be debilitating. so consuming. and then, I know it's wrong. I should be consumed with longing to serve God through the incredible, beautiful family he has blessed me with. I should be ashamed not to be satisfied with the family he has blessed me with, as opposed to longing for this piece that I imagine will complete it. I should accept that God can make it complete even when I think it seems to be lacking.
 But then

Friday, April 8, 2011

The Wisdom of Solomon

 I look at Facebook, and so many of the women that I know in real life, even the mature Christians, are in total panic. Our government has not yet officially shut-down, but already, we military families have access to our leave and earnings statements (LES), and they reflect the shutdown; paychecks that are 1/2 half of what we are accustomed to, accounting for being paid up until April 8th, but no more. We are blessed that we have been frugal enough to put some away, not much, but enough to cover our home and vehicles for a short time. Yet, I know so many families that don't even have that. While I do think that foolish spending has led them here to some extent ( people with lower pay grades than us buying brand new and extravagant homes and cars) they have also become foolish because the government has taught them too; don't worry, someone will support you. After all, those on unemployment will continue getting paid, just not the men required to report to JOBS which put their lives in danger.
 What really breaks my heart is that even the Christian women are in total panic. Thing about it is, what can we do anyhow? As I said, we have a little money put aside, enough that if this is all resolved quickly, we should have no issues (besides a depleted savings account). For anything beyond that, I am simply trusting God. Either it will get better, or it won't. I have faith in his plan. This should be an opportunity for faithful people to demonstrate their peace to unbelievers....but it is much easier to be faithful when things are going well, isn't it ?
 I just keep thinking of how often we have to defend our "intelligence" when we state that we believe in the bible, but look at the story of Solomon. Thousands of years ago, the bible shared a story that applies perfectly to this situation. When two women came before Solomon arguing over a baby, Solomon knew that the woman who truly loved the child, his true mother, would rather relinquish her rights to him than to see him harmed. While the Democrats and Republicans point fingers at who is responsible and who actually cares for this country, the "baby" is being cut in half. While they fight for their agendas, real families are going to struggle to feed their children. The bible doesn't seem so "stupid" anymore, does it fellows? How about we practice a little of that communism that you all believe in, and until you get this cleared up, why don't you all contribute some of your considerable savings to make up for the pay-gap of the less fortunate? No? I didn' think so....looks great on paper, not in practice, doesn't it boys?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Charlotte Mason Giveaway !

What a great opportunity to try out a new curriculum ! The Modest Mom is doing a giveaway for a Simply Charlotte Mason reading program. As homeschooling parents, we cannot afford (literally) a lot of trial and error with our purchased curriculums, and this is a great opportunity to try out a new curriculum and/or teaching methodology without straining your budget ! Besides, The Modest Mom is full of great ideas, so you should head over there to enter the giveaway and check her out !

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

A Broken Heart

 When I was 9 years old, I went to live with my Dad and Stepmother. I didn't understand why Mama Diane had never had her own baby, and she explained to me about having to have a hysterectomy when she was a young lady. Not being able to have a baby seemed like the worst thing I could think of, but she made a great Mama for me, so I thought, that must be how God worked it all out.
 But at church, there were other families, families that had been trying for years and years, had lost babies to prematurity, miscarriage, and/or adoption process hang-ups. My heart was broken for these people, and I wanted to help. I secretly imagined or worried that since growing up and having my own babies was the most important thing I could dream up, I would be just like them, unable to have them. With Mama Diane's help, my little sister and I started a little adoption fund raiser for our children's church pastor and his wife. While I lived there, I never saw it come to anything, but from what I heard, years later, they finally brought home a little boy through adoption. I wish that I could have seen them as parents.
 Years later, as a new mommy, overseas while my husband was deployed, I became part of the Protestant women of the Chapel (PWOC). After a prayer session, which included prayers for one of our ladies ( a dear friend of mine) who was waiting for the test results on her husband's fertility test, it came up that a few of the ladies were surprised at how many women in the church struggled with infertility; it didn't surprise me at all. Ever since I was old enough to be aware of such things, I had people in my life struggling with this heart breaking issue. My heart still broke, and it still does.
 Yesterday, Patti posted about a giveawayto raise money for her son Jason and his wife Naomi  to adopt a baby of their own. Then today, Amy at Raising Arrows posted about having a heart for our infertile friends during our own pregnancies. Issues so dear to my heart and a calling I feel God has put on my life that I am still trying to understand completely.
 How I wish I could do something tangible for them. If nothing else, it reminds me what a precious gift my own fertility is; who am I to take for granted that this is something that is given to everyone. And while I try to understand exactly what God wants me to do to help my sisters through this sad, sad struggle, maybe I can help one family, just a little bit. I know that no one really reads this, but if you do, please, please donate to Naomi and Jason .
April is infertility awareness month, and if you don't think you know someone struggling with this, there is almost surely someone you know who is struggling silently. Look at your own babies and imagine what it wold be like.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


Oh what wonderful things have been happening; calm, quiet, seemingly mundane things !
 The little ones did indeed accept Christ, and I am so incredibly thankful. I pray that they will have a close relationship with him and constantly be striving for even more closeness with him.
 My Honey also came home. It has been less than a wekk, and of course he is already back to work, but we were thankful for a few days with him at home. He brought all sorts of wonderful gifts back from Korea, including a lovely dinner tea set, which we have been using with supper every night. It came with 5 cups; how perfect !
 He has stepped up as the spiritual head in the family in a way for which I am so grateful. It was something I have always prayed for, tried not to nag about, and had really given to God. Please, do not misunderstand; he has always been a wonderful father, husband, and believer....this is just such a wonderful blessing to see him coming into this on his own. The worldliness of some of teh churches he attended as a child had hardened his heart against the church ( not God) in so many ways, and he has finally healed from those things. Praise God ! I am more grateful than ever to have a man like him to be my husband :)
 Farm-wise, we have bunnies coming out of our ears and the chicks have finally moved to the large coop. It even looks like I may have talked Mr. SoulFull into a couple of turkeys :)