Thursday, April 21, 2011

Unrequited Love

 It only takes me a second, and he's here. He even has a name. As hard as I try, and if I am honest, maybe I do not try hard enough, one simple thing can take me to that place, and he's here, as real as anything.      Reading pregnancy announcements on facebook, watching my children play, or even making love to my husband ( and especially that, sometimes), and he's here; imagined with enough detail that it's like I already know him, and I'm just waiting to be re-introduced.It's not his physical details, or even his personality, but the details of what our family feels like when he's in it, or what life feels like when he's in it; tangibly, instead of in my imagination.
 I struggle against it. Over accepting God's will for my family. At times, I recognize that this fixation on another son is so clearly of my personal machination. Other times, it feels like it is clearly the presence of God, placing something in my mind; the promise to fulfill a desire of my heart should I give it all to him. I've even named him John, in my heart. John. The son of Thunder. The Beloved. The baby born to Elizabeth who should have been named Zaccariah, but who, because God blessed his parents with something they longed for always, was named John; because he called them to. I know that to imagine a certain little son is just as wrong as trying to close up my own womb against God's desire for my family. But when I also desire it to much, against the desires and leading of my own husband, leaving my body open to it would be more about my wanting than God's leading.
 When I feel the intense jealousy, particularly of watching unbelievers have more babies, I know that it is me, and not God. But oh, how that jealousy can be debilitating. so consuming. and then, I know it's wrong. I should be consumed with longing to serve God through the incredible, beautiful family he has blessed me with. I should be ashamed not to be satisfied with the family he has blessed me with, as opposed to longing for this piece that I imagine will complete it. I should accept that God can make it complete even when I think it seems to be lacking.
 But then

Friday, April 8, 2011

The Wisdom of Solomon

 I look at Facebook, and so many of the women that I know in real life, even the mature Christians, are in total panic. Our government has not yet officially shut-down, but already, we military families have access to our leave and earnings statements (LES), and they reflect the shutdown; paychecks that are 1/2 half of what we are accustomed to, accounting for being paid up until April 8th, but no more. We are blessed that we have been frugal enough to put some away, not much, but enough to cover our home and vehicles for a short time. Yet, I know so many families that don't even have that. While I do think that foolish spending has led them here to some extent ( people with lower pay grades than us buying brand new and extravagant homes and cars) they have also become foolish because the government has taught them too; don't worry, someone will support you. After all, those on unemployment will continue getting paid, just not the men required to report to JOBS which put their lives in danger.
 What really breaks my heart is that even the Christian women are in total panic. Thing about it is, what can we do anyhow? As I said, we have a little money put aside, enough that if this is all resolved quickly, we should have no issues (besides a depleted savings account). For anything beyond that, I am simply trusting God. Either it will get better, or it won't. I have faith in his plan. This should be an opportunity for faithful people to demonstrate their peace to unbelievers....but it is much easier to be faithful when things are going well, isn't it ?
 I just keep thinking of how often we have to defend our "intelligence" when we state that we believe in the bible, but look at the story of Solomon. Thousands of years ago, the bible shared a story that applies perfectly to this situation. When two women came before Solomon arguing over a baby, Solomon knew that the woman who truly loved the child, his true mother, would rather relinquish her rights to him than to see him harmed. While the Democrats and Republicans point fingers at who is responsible and who actually cares for this country, the "baby" is being cut in half. While they fight for their agendas, real families are going to struggle to feed their children. The bible doesn't seem so "stupid" anymore, does it fellows? How about we practice a little of that communism that you all believe in, and until you get this cleared up, why don't you all contribute some of your considerable savings to make up for the pay-gap of the less fortunate? No? I didn' think so....looks great on paper, not in practice, doesn't it boys?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Charlotte Mason Giveaway !

What a great opportunity to try out a new curriculum ! The Modest Mom is doing a giveaway for a Simply Charlotte Mason reading program. As homeschooling parents, we cannot afford (literally) a lot of trial and error with our purchased curriculums, and this is a great opportunity to try out a new curriculum and/or teaching methodology without straining your budget ! Besides, The Modest Mom is full of great ideas, so you should head over there to enter the giveaway and check her out !

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

A Broken Heart

 When I was 9 years old, I went to live with my Dad and Stepmother. I didn't understand why Mama Diane had never had her own baby, and she explained to me about having to have a hysterectomy when she was a young lady. Not being able to have a baby seemed like the worst thing I could think of, but she made a great Mama for me, so I thought, that must be how God worked it all out.
 But at church, there were other families, families that had been trying for years and years, had lost babies to prematurity, miscarriage, and/or adoption process hang-ups. My heart was broken for these people, and I wanted to help. I secretly imagined or worried that since growing up and having my own babies was the most important thing I could dream up, I would be just like them, unable to have them. With Mama Diane's help, my little sister and I started a little adoption fund raiser for our children's church pastor and his wife. While I lived there, I never saw it come to anything, but from what I heard, years later, they finally brought home a little boy through adoption. I wish that I could have seen them as parents.
 Years later, as a new mommy, overseas while my husband was deployed, I became part of the Protestant women of the Chapel (PWOC). After a prayer session, which included prayers for one of our ladies ( a dear friend of mine) who was waiting for the test results on her husband's fertility test, it came up that a few of the ladies were surprised at how many women in the church struggled with infertility; it didn't surprise me at all. Ever since I was old enough to be aware of such things, I had people in my life struggling with this heart breaking issue. My heart still broke, and it still does.
 Yesterday, Patti posted about a giveawayto raise money for her son Jason and his wife Naomi  to adopt a baby of their own. Then today, Amy at Raising Arrows posted about having a heart for our infertile friends during our own pregnancies. Issues so dear to my heart and a calling I feel God has put on my life that I am still trying to understand completely.
 How I wish I could do something tangible for them. If nothing else, it reminds me what a precious gift my own fertility is; who am I to take for granted that this is something that is given to everyone. And while I try to understand exactly what God wants me to do to help my sisters through this sad, sad struggle, maybe I can help one family, just a little bit. I know that no one really reads this, but if you do, please, please donate to Naomi and Jason .
April is infertility awareness month, and if you don't think you know someone struggling with this, there is almost surely someone you know who is struggling silently. Look at your own babies and imagine what it wold be like.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


Oh what wonderful things have been happening; calm, quiet, seemingly mundane things !
 The little ones did indeed accept Christ, and I am so incredibly thankful. I pray that they will have a close relationship with him and constantly be striving for even more closeness with him.
 My Honey also came home. It has been less than a wekk, and of course he is already back to work, but we were thankful for a few days with him at home. He brought all sorts of wonderful gifts back from Korea, including a lovely dinner tea set, which we have been using with supper every night. It came with 5 cups; how perfect !
 He has stepped up as the spiritual head in the family in a way for which I am so grateful. It was something I have always prayed for, tried not to nag about, and had really given to God. Please, do not misunderstand; he has always been a wonderful father, husband, and believer....this is just such a wonderful blessing to see him coming into this on his own. The worldliness of some of teh churches he attended as a child had hardened his heart against the church ( not God) in so many ways, and he has finally healed from those things. Praise God ! I am more grateful than ever to have a man like him to be my husband :)
 Farm-wise, we have bunnies coming out of our ears and the chicks have finally moved to the large coop. It even looks like I may have talked Mr. SoulFull into a couple of turkeys :)

Sunday, March 20, 2011


 Today at church, the little ones were really paying attention when Pastor Layson explained communion. The girlie had expressed a desire to ask Jesus to be her personal Lord and savior once before, but then she became quickly distracted, and I took that to mean that she really wasn't understanding the gravity of the decision. So today, after church, we "walked" the Romans road while their baby sister slept. I read the prayer of salvation to them, and I asked them to think about it during their rest time. If they decide that it is something they want to say for themselves, i told them that Daddy will help lead them in the prayer---but he will not say it for them, they have to want to say it for themselves.
 For everything that the modern world has robbed us of in raising our families (in my opinion), I am so thankful for something like Skype. It means that today, though my husband is 17 hours ahead of us, he may very well be able to lead his older children through the prayer of salvation, and watch their little faces when they truly accept Jesus Christ as their own Lord and savior; no longer just riding along on Mama and Daddy's beliefs.
 I am grateful that God has been using the things in my life to help me to truly understand salvation. I have realized that though I completely believed in him, and my church taught the correct message, many things in my life lead me to believe that in all honesty, my salvation was still dependant on myself; my own goodness and trying to steer clear from evil. Until recently, I think I still believed that, but I was also mature enough to struggle with it. I am realizing though, that God may have allowed that untruth to linger to protect me when I didn't have parents to guide me; it kept me on a good path ( or a much better path, at least) when there was no parental guidance there. Lately, it has been like an epiphany though- the difference between salvation, and goodness for the sake of pleasing God. They ARE NOT the same thing, and I am ever so grateful for that realization coming to my heart, instead of just my mind. God has used my husband, from the day I met him, to teach me this lesson, and I am sad that it took this long to sink in, but I am grateful nevertheless...the realization came at the perfect time, and I was able to outline how different the two things are for my own children.
Someday, I will have to write about exactly how it is that God used my Honey to teach bring me back to Him.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Cleaning is not really the right word, but we've been up to something along those lines. It is more like Spring refreshing; catching up on chores that went to the wayside when the weather was so cold I just couldn't muster the courage to go out in it and do them ; like trimming goat hooves. Some of what we have been doing is just regular maintenance, like mixing up herbal wormer and feeding it to the critters, shoveling manure, and cleaning out the hen house. Some things are just genuine refreshing, like weeding and planting some lily of the valley bulbs.
 Some of the chores are new, like clipping the chickens wings so that we don't have to worry about them taking off when we let them have free-range time in the yard. We realize that clipping them means that they also cannot get away from predators, but being as we live in an area with plenty of predators anyways, I have decided to compromise on cooping and free-ranging by allowing them to be out when we are out, and go back in when we aren't there to keep an eye on them....our house is only 1300 and some odd square feet, so we spend plenty of time out there.
 Anywho, I've done all of those things today, or at least started on them all ( weeding/planting), and even painted the littlest SoulFull's bed a pretty new blue. So I am feeling rather accomplished today. Frankly, i was afraid to sit down, even to get the little one down for her nap, because I was afraid that if I slowed down, I just might come to a stop. We will see.
 It was glorious to be out in the sun though (it's haling now...welcome to the Pacific Northwest), and there is something so strangely satisfying about being out there shoveling manure. I think the fact of it is that today, if not everyday (though it should be), I was really hit by the blessing of this work. This work is all part of my dream, and that's life people; a lot of times, we forget to be thankful for the work that accompanies our dreams. If we want children, we need to be grateful for the mountains of laundry that come with them. If we want a home, we need to be grateful for the never-ending maintenance that it requires. If we want a bigger-than-we-need house, sports car, and $70+ thousand a year salary, we need to accept the long hours and lack of leisure that it all requires. Anyhow, you get the idea.
 Just, two years ago, I was silently (mostly) grieving that we wouldn't be able to raise our children to know what it was like to run around in a big back yard or raise their own food. There was just no way I could see that ever happening, so long as my Honey continued to be called to military service. Yet, our God not only knew the desires of my heart, but knew why, I wanted those things...and he provided, as he always does. He has used this to show me how he can give us the very desires of our hearts, how he honors our good intentions, but also how sometimes, he knows better than us, and we need to just stop pushing. everything that i have let happen on this farm through HIS good timing, has worked out beautifully. everything that I have made happen on my own time has failed miserably. Yet today reminded me to be thankful for all of that. It is part of the learning experience of this life and of having my dreams come true. I couldn't be more grateful; even if I could smell a bit better right now.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Motherhood and a Giveaway !

 One of the things that most touches me about my journey as a mother is the realization that any other endeavor I could ever have wanted to do is included in my parenting. When I was very small, before I let the world tell me that I was wrong, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said " a mommy !" However, the world doesn't like an answer like that; they think that it means a girl isn't striving for anything bigg

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Sloppy blob of clay

 At this point in my physical and spiritual life, I wish I could say I was something more like a beautiful and useful piece of pottery, or at the least, something you could see starting to take shape. Most days, however, I really just feel like a sloppy blob of clay, on so, so many levels.
 I could go into the many ways I feel god has shown me that my calling in life is my family; partly because, when I am totally honest with myself and not worried about how others will judge, I believe family is supposed to be everyone's main calling ( after being called to love the Lord, or course), but also because of my family history. I feel like raising up a godly family would be like breaking a kind of bondage that has plagued the generations of my family for as far back as I know about them. There is so much sibling hatred, animosity/competition/role-reversal between parents and children, abandonment, etc. To succeed in raising this family up to love God and love one another would be my equivalent to growing up and becoming president, or whatever other lofty profession people like to hear come out of the mouths of children when asked, " what do you want to be when you grow up?" I wanted to be a Mama, and I didn't really understood what it was to be a wife at that point, but I am, and I am eternally glad, and anything else I want/have wanted to be or do is all part of fulfilling that calling, which I feel is also integral to my walk with God and becoming who created me to be.
 But oh, my goodness, I fail and fail and fail. So many times I think I am on the right path, to find that I was wrong. I know that the key is relying on God, and I know that his wisdom is perfect, and if I ask for it, he will give it to me (Jer. 33:3). I do know this; just living by it, in the middle of a busy day, is so much easier to say than do.
 Right now, I am working on so many things on myself, to get myself in line with who HE wants me/calls me to be as a wife and mother. But it feels like studying for a big, comprehensive test (which I have also been doing...) and there are just so many things to consider all at once, so many things to remember and write onto my heart, and it just feels....impossible.
 and I suppose, in all honesty that it is. Because there is no way that I will not fail in some ways, and I just have to trust God to do what we know he can and work even those things for the good of his Kingdom.
 But I am trying, and I am praying, and it really does feel like cramming for a test ( not that is should, I guess, but that's just my honest feelings) because I am so not perfect, so unprepared for this and my children are growing up before my eyes...I don't have time to get myself should have been done long ago...and that takes me back to feeling like a sloppy blob of clay. I guess I just need to get out of the way and let God sculpt me, but I have a hard time not feeling disgusted. Even though I feel like this is my calling, I sometimes also feel like it is punishment, or at least the timing of it. I wanted this so badly, and I feel like my impatience has brought me to this place where I am realizing that I wish I had fixed these things about myself before I was stuck trying to fix them in the middle of also trying to raise a family and support a husband.
 Anyhow, deep breaths. My God can do this, even if I can't.