I have not been zenned out this pregnancy, as my dear M-I-L would say.
It seems that somehow, I forgot that when I ask God for answers, he provides them.
Instead, I have been worried, stressed, and pondering the "right" decisions. I have worried and fretted over things that were not mine to worry and fret over. Though I logically realize that spending time worried about the birth is like planning for an opulent wedding without ever thinking about the actual marriage, I was letting myself get sucked into the worry-machine; that machine which I think has been created to take us further and further from God's intended design.
There is certainly a place for medical intervention. Miss Fi is a beautiful example. Sometimes though, we can become overly dependent on medicine and forget who enabled our minds and hands to discover and utilize that science. While Fi's surgeons worked, we prayed. We prayed for their hands to be guided, their eyes to be clear, and their hearts and minds to remember that there was someones baby girl on that table, not just a work project.
We know that she had the best surgeons available- from a worldly sense and a faith sense. Every year, I send them a Christmas card, to thank them, to show them what they were part of. Every time we get follow-up care at the big, renowned cranio-facial surgeon's office, I hear how even he is dumbfounded to read the extent of her actual injuries....because they are not obvious on her face.
So why...why in the world, would I spend time worrying. Why would I not remember the peace that comes with trusting the Holy Spirit, even in the darkest of moments, let alone the most beautiful ?
Because it is amazing how little faith even the faithful can have.
So this pregnancy, I feel that one of the special lessons God has for me, to renew and reinforce, is to lean on him. Wait for answers. That is not something that I am fundamentally good at. I am an answer-getter. I like to find solutions, for myself. Ohhhh goodness, time for some humility, right?
BumbleTot was our first home birth, after a hospital and then an overseas hospital (essentially a birth center). How could we go back after that? After the experience of having a provider who not only used the medical knowledge God enabled her with, but never forgot the importance of the God that created the process. When my water had been broken for hours and hours, she did a blood draw to check for WBC....but she also sent the Mister and I off to pray together quietly. Let the Lord guide us to the next step. He did...and as soon as I surrendered, as soon as I surrendered to letting him be the answer-getter, I had not only a solution, but I had peace.....I also had a suddenly(after 20 hours) very quick labor :)
So this time around, we waited. We decided to receive care from the military midwives, all along feeling that they might not be God's final answer for us. We still don't have a final answer---but we do have peace.
For an answer-getter...that is amazing. From a worldly sense, a person who likes to have answers, likes to make plans, couldn't possibly have peace when there is NO PLAN.
We are learning to lean on the Holy Spirit for answers. He always brings them...how how how could I ever forget that? It doesn't just concern this baby's birth either.
We have been dealing with some fairly serious issues within our church- the kind of issues that make people want to walk away from a church...the kind that make some believers walk away from the faith. We don't know what will be the ultimate outcome,but we do know the job that God has laid on Mr. SoulFull ( and his help meet) for now. We are faithful that as long as we are faithful to his specific calling for us in this situation, we will know the course of action we should take.
Same thing with our baby. We are leaning on him. We prayed about the pregnancy and realized that there is something about being treated by people, even midwives, that work in a hospital setting. They are trained to handle complications...and so they seem to find them. I think that even utilizing this group for pre-natal care has shaken my trust in the process God created. These people don't (can't ?) acknowledge the one who created the process. In trying to reconcile their way of handling things with my own intuition and knowledge, it seems I forgot to acknowledge him too.
Since I have had this epiphany- this careful remembering of who is really in charge- amazingly...I feel the best I have this entire pregnancy. The thing to remember, just like the situation with Miss Fi, is that we could do everything medically right and still have a "bad outcome." Conversely, we could do everything wrong and have a perfect outcome. Science acknowledges this fact too...not just us religious zealots.
So we are planning for a home birth after all. We have our supplies gathered, our reading materials checked and bookmarked, emergencies prepared for...but most importantly, we have our (figurative) prayer shawls on. A home birth may not be the outcome. And I am fine with that. We are confident that when the day, the time comes, the Holy Spirit will lead us to exactly the right decision at exactly the right time.
This is not about free birthing, woman power, or shirking the establishment. It is about following God's perfect will for our family.
We felt lead to begin preparing for this, with certain medical indicators that would let us know that God was pointing the other direction. Those medical indicators seemed fairly likely to occur, and yet...they haven't. So we proceeded. We have other indicators (outside of actual emergencies) that have been laid on our hearts as indicators to go to the hospital during the labor...and again, we will be glad to follow God should those things arise...or if just a guiding from Him indicates so, regardless of medical evidence. We would have loved to plan this with godly midwife, but unfortunately,we cannot find a midwife, who would support our family-vision, willing to travel to our area.
I have no idea where this will end up happening...home, hospital, side of the road.... but I am totally confident that God will let us know what to do in the end...and with that...there is so much peace.
* If you read this, we would indeed welcome prayer: mostly, for us to be receptive to the Holy Spirit's leading.