When I was pregnant with BumbleTot, my Mother in Law always said she had never seen me so calm and peaceful. I tend to be somewhat of a type-a personality, though that has dulled as the years have passed and the number of children increased. Anyhow, she still says it now; " you were so zen."
Which, in all honesty, is a miracle unto itself. It's not like I was dealing with a low-stress situation; I was still in school, we had a stressful move onto the military post, a deployment to Iraq, and of course Miss Fi's brush with death/near disfigurement and the slew of long, sad, stressful follow-up appointments at the large far-away Children's hospital. Yet there I was...completely "zenned out", as my dear Mother in law described it.
That's where God named BumbleTot for us. As I remember it, though I am sure it is just one of those collage memories that occurs when there are just too many things happening to remember clearly- it was when I was standing in the street waiting for the ambulance that God laid BumbleTot's name on my heart.
I had been kind of hoping for another boy. or maybe up to that point I just thought she was a boy. We had a boy's name picked out for years. Something that Mister suggested, from a book we both loved.
But God laid this name heavy on my heart, and from then on I felt like I not only knew she was a girl, but I knew why she was here and what she would be called.
Because this name meant "bringer of joy."
In my very darkest moment- when I thought I might lose my little girl- then when we were told she would be horribly disfigured- God told me that there will be joy.
and there has been.
Not only does BumbleTot's name fit her, but God has brought intense joy along with her. She is a hard person not to be joyful around; she is intensely funny and darling. She is also a power toddler....think of typical toddler behavior and put it on steroids.
The joy that God brought along with her surpasses her. There is more to it. God taught us that joy is not about our situation but about our hearts. It is so very true.
We found joy in the depths of darkness. He showed us how. Then in the sweetest of gifts, he brought us up out of that darkness with nary a blemish. Miss Fi shows little signs of her ordeal to the unknowing eye. An accident that was inches from taking her life, or her eye, isn't even recognizable to people who don't know it is there. Yet, we had been told to expect 5-6 more surgeries ( besides the 5 hours that put her back together) just for her to look vaguely normal.
That's not to say that our family doesn't have some of the trauma issues that are associated with going through something like that. We notice her scars. We deal with the eye infections that come because of it. We deal with the knowledge of how something small can cause big heartache, and we are powerless to do anything about the ignorance around us on this particular danger.
But we are joyful. We are grateful. We see God's goodness, and we are entirely aware of WHO caused such a good outcome for our daughter.
So what does all of that have to do with carrying this baby....?