Monday, April 9, 2012

Pardon me, while I find my voice

 I have been a life-long people pleaser.

I was born that way, as far as I can tell. A product of either my first-born status or my anxious childhood...or maybe those traits just all go together, with no concrete cause and causation.

I started writing, because I was a people pleaser.
My third grade teacher, the first person who ever told me I was good at anything, told me I was good at writing. She sent me to a Young Writer's Conference at the local community college ( the same college where I would later finish my last two years of high school/first two yearrs of college). I wrote for her, because she told me I was good at it. Because  she smiled when she told me, and because it felt so good to be "good' at something.

But like everything in life, I tailored what I said and how I said it to what I pereceived the audience wanted to hear.

 different audience, different voice.

But I am done. I don't want to be a people pleaser, I just want to be a God pleaser.
The reason I am writing here is more important than who might be reading.
So why am I writing?

To have something for my dear children.

Something so they can remember what life was like, "back then" when they were small...and things were simple to them, but complicated to me.

 Something so they can know who I am, what I am thinking, what is important to our family, and how grateful I am for their existence.

Something that might be used for them to see the grace of God through their Mama.

Something that will bring glory to God.

So pardon me, if you are reading this, while I figure out how to combine all of my personas into my writing...if sometimes it feels a bit schizophrenic. I am learning how to just be me- God-loving, God-fearing, irreverent, analytical, whimsical, and yet practical- grateful for who God made me, and even more grateful for the work he promised to complete in me.

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