Sunday, February 27, 2011

Sloppy blob of clay

 At this point in my physical and spiritual life, I wish I could say I was something more like a beautiful and useful piece of pottery, or at the least, something you could see starting to take shape. Most days, however, I really just feel like a sloppy blob of clay, on so, so many levels.
 I could go into the many ways I feel god has shown me that my calling in life is my family; partly because, when I am totally honest with myself and not worried about how others will judge, I believe family is supposed to be everyone's main calling ( after being called to love the Lord, or course), but also because of my family history. I feel like raising up a godly family would be like breaking a kind of bondage that has plagued the generations of my family for as far back as I know about them. There is so much sibling hatred, animosity/competition/role-reversal between parents and children, abandonment, etc. To succeed in raising this family up to love God and love one another would be my equivalent to growing up and becoming president, or whatever other lofty profession people like to hear come out of the mouths of children when asked, " what do you want to be when you grow up?" I wanted to be a Mama, and I didn't really understood what it was to be a wife at that point, but I am, and I am eternally glad, and anything else I want/have wanted to be or do is all part of fulfilling that calling, which I feel is also integral to my walk with God and becoming who created me to be.
 But oh, my goodness, I fail and fail and fail. So many times I think I am on the right path, to find that I was wrong. I know that the key is relying on God, and I know that his wisdom is perfect, and if I ask for it, he will give it to me (Jer. 33:3). I do know this; just living by it, in the middle of a busy day, is so much easier to say than do.
 Right now, I am working on so many things on myself, to get myself in line with who HE wants me/calls me to be as a wife and mother. But it feels like studying for a big, comprehensive test (which I have also been doing...) and there are just so many things to consider all at once, so many things to remember and write onto my heart, and it just feels....impossible.
 and I suppose, in all honesty that it is. Because there is no way that I will not fail in some ways, and I just have to trust God to do what we know he can and work even those things for the good of his Kingdom.
 But I am trying, and I am praying, and it really does feel like cramming for a test ( not that is should, I guess, but that's just my honest feelings) because I am so not perfect, so unprepared for this and my children are growing up before my eyes...I don't have time to get myself should have been done long ago...and that takes me back to feeling like a sloppy blob of clay. I guess I just need to get out of the way and let God sculpt me, but I have a hard time not feeling disgusted. Even though I feel like this is my calling, I sometimes also feel like it is punishment, or at least the timing of it. I wanted this so badly, and I feel like my impatience has brought me to this place where I am realizing that I wish I had fixed these things about myself before I was stuck trying to fix them in the middle of also trying to raise a family and support a husband.
 Anyhow, deep breaths. My God can do this, even if I can't.

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