It only takes me a second, and he's here. He even has a name. As hard as I try, and if I am honest, maybe I do not try hard enough, one simple thing can take me to that place, and he's here, as real as anything. Reading pregnancy announcements on facebook, watching my children play, or even making love to my husband ( and especially that, sometimes), and he's here; imagined with enough detail that it's like I already know him, and I'm just waiting to be re-introduced.It's not his physical details, or even his personality, but the details of what our family feels like when he's in it, or what life feels like when he's in it; tangibly, instead of in my imagination.
I struggle against it. Over accepting God's will for my family. At times, I recognize that this fixation on another son is so clearly of my personal machination. Other times, it feels like it is clearly the presence of God, placing something in my mind; the promise to fulfill a desire of my heart should I give it all to him. I've even named him John, in my heart. John. The son of Thunder. The Beloved. The baby born to Elizabeth who should have been named Zaccariah, but who, because God blessed his parents with something they longed for always, was named John; because he called them to. I know that to imagine a certain little son is just as wrong as trying to close up my own womb against God's desire for my family. But when I also desire it to much, against the desires and leading of my own husband, leaving my body open to it would be more about my wanting than God's leading.
When I feel the intense jealousy, particularly of watching unbelievers have more babies, I know that it is me, and not God. But oh, how that jealousy can be debilitating. so consuming. and then, I know it's wrong. I should be consumed with longing to serve God through the incredible, beautiful family he has blessed me with. I should be ashamed not to be satisfied with the family he has blessed me with, as opposed to longing for this piece that I imagine will complete it. I should accept that God can make it complete even when I think it seems to be lacking.