31 Weeks

31 weeks.
It feels like it took forever to get here.
But maybe that is just because I think of all the heart changes that had to happen first.
In me
In Mr. SoulFull
and my SOUL is so FULL.
That feeling of joy overtaking you from the inside out.
 I am so grateful that God has given us the opportunity to raise up another child.
I know that I don't deserve it,
which makes it all the more amazing
when I think of the jealous moments I spent thinking ugly, ugly things, like
" how does she deserve to have more children, and I don't."
But in His goodness, I don't feel the sting of shame that I should because of those thoughts.
I just feel the gratitude, that His Grace is applied, regardless of how ugly I am.

 We have 7 weeks and 3 days until I will have been pregnant longer than I have ever been pregnant before. I am focusing on that number, instead of the "due date" because it makes the wait more palatable when the physical burden of carrying Captain Seahorse feels like too much to bear for 2 more months.
 I have been taking my own blood pressure at home, and lo' and behold, it is perfect. In other words, it is the hospital itself that makes my blood pressure rise, dangerously high. The plan is to take in my labs from past pregnancies,and my home blood pressure records, and to see if that will persuade the midwives to cancel the twice weekly monitoring. If they still push for it, we feel peace that God has a reason for it. Maybe, just to give us more confidence that in the end, we might go through with a homebirth after all. There are a couple of things that God has laid on us as signs to go to the hospital, and if anyone does read this, I would sincerely appreciate prayers; not just for those things to be alleviated, but that we will be open to God's leading on the right path to take. I am not afraid of having a much larger baby, even at home, but I do have a history of ( rather easily corrected) malpresentations. With a bigger baby, I feel like it is even more important to talk baby into a more ideal position, and to get him/her to stay there. Part of the problem with that is that with the anterior placenta, it is a bit harder to discern baby's position. I think his/her back tends to hide out behind the placenta, so I never have that tell-tale long, hard spot as a clue- though I am pretty sure that baby is head down right now- Praise God.
This is the only place I am getting all of these things written down this time. It is so precious, and informative, to be able to reflect back on the thoughts, feelings, and statistics associated with each of my pregnancies. I justify typing all of these things here, since these days, after so much practice during school, I am so much faster at typing than writing ;D